Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
