While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So here I am, sexting at work.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
