Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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