he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
