i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
