he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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