guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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