I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
