I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
