I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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