I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
