I heard we made out
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
