I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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