My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize