I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
