Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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