I can text with my tongue
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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