I skipped work to stalk him.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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