I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize