Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
