soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am never drinking with the goths again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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