When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
