Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
