if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My penis needs a shock collar
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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