I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
