i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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