He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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