Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
