It's like God shit irony all over that family
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
