you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
