Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
