Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
