If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Randomize
