my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
This can only be settled by a dance off.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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