there's paper in my vomit.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
