I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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