why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
