Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
