iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
