Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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