First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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