I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
