It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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