your parents love me but you hate me
too bad you live with your parents still
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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