If that was your dad, he is hot
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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