Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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