Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
