I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
