Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
