I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
