I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
