Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
