When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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