Cold hands, warm shart.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
