She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
