i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
