I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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