I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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