Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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