cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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